


Loving you.

by drinkginandkerosene



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Drabble, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drinkginandkerosene/pseuds/drinkginandkerosene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon can't stand to hear the words anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving you.

There’s a world of difference between “love you” and “I love you.”

Ryan was always excruciatingly carefully to drop the I.

They’d be curled up in bed, while rain poured outside, happily exhausted.  
“Love you Brenny.” The words were starting to make Brendon’s skin itch. He kept telling himself that he needed to give Ryan time, time to be brave, time to commit. But he hadn’t said it yet and if Ryan hadn’t said it, did it mean he never felt it?

Brendon said I love you a lot of times. Ryan would look up from wherever he was, give his brightest, happiest smile and reply with: “I know.”

Brendon wasn’t too sure what to do with that. Maybe that’s what did it in the end. That uncertainty. Because when Ryan blindly swore to stop cutting, to stop snorting coke, to stop this rollarcoaster of self-destruction, swore through tears and pleading with Brendon, “Please don’t do this, please don’t leave me.”, how the hell was Brendon meant to believe him if he couldn’t even say he was in love.  
He came to the shocking realisation that Ryan was a coward.

He followed through. He broke it off with Ryan, hoping that would be the push he needed to get better and knowing that if it wasn’t he didn’t want to be around to watch it. Ryan had stopped crying and was staring at his shoes. When Brendon said he loved him, he didn’t say I know and Brendon began to wonder if this was a mistake.

He left the band and only Jon followed because “Who else has he got? Someone needs to go after him.” But it wasn’t his best friend or his boyfriend.

Brendon missed Ryan.  
He missed coming home to him asleep on the bed. Missed the feeling of someone wrapped around his waist. Missed his smell.

Ryan hadn’t gotten better.  
He’d gotten worse.


End file.
